do people still blogging nowadays?

Selamat Hari Raya

Just to update.

The problem with me is too difficult in making decisions. Usually, I just ask my mother but now I gotta make my own decisions. Damn adulthood. I have been living in dilemmas all my life but it was easier making decisions with her. Her NOs were my YESes, and vice versa. She said No when I wanted to take driving classes, No when I got the offer to matriculation, No to UNIMAS and No to further my master study and again back to UNIMAS. But look at that, I did it anyway and yet she was my greatest supporter of all! 

So, maybe I was fond to healthy lifestyle or fitness but those days are over. Baby I am back as couch potato. I have put on some weight (which worries me). But not everyone born a runner or a fitness freak or whatever them fitness people called themselves. I know now that I love forest, I love trekking, I love hiking. Maybe I am not as fit as I was in 2013/2014 but still, I enjoy trekking than running on the track or treadmill. But I hate cave though. Claustrophobic?  You can bet (is there any words to describe someone who didn't like going in the cave?). So, this year I am going to climb Mt. Kinabalu in August (I know why it takes too long for me to go there when I live near the mountain). I haven't prepared anything yet, be it physically or... Ohya, at least I have reached Langanan Waterfall, Poring, Ranau, Sabah and climbed Mt. Santubong, Kuching, Sarawak. More of it in another post (hopefully).

if only pneumonia never existed in this world.

i would still have my mommy. i lost my mother to pneumonia. it has been one month an two days since mom's last day. I still cry. i cry every day. one moment i was so over with mom's departure and one moment i cry just like the day, the last day she's with us. it was an unexpected event that she meet with The Creator this early. she was healthy, i mean she have no serious disease like tumor, cancer, etc.

three weeks before she was gone, i called her every day on the phone. i still remember her voice was cheerful. and asked about her and father's well-being and she said they were fine. the last call i made was in Friday, she didn't sound very well, and i asked her if she was okay, she said she has been sick, because of the weather. it was rainy season.

i haven't called her on Saturday and Sunday. on Monday early morning, my brother called me and told me mom has been admitted to the emergency since Saturday. and today (Monday), she was having complication and will be sent to Keningau Hosp. and that they (siblings) will buy a plane ticket for me. so i fly back to Sabah, and i already received a lot of messages from my dear friends how sorry they were to hear about my mom's condition. i arrived at the hospital ICU in the evening. all of my family members were already there, all were crying, and praying, and reciting Surah Yassin. mom was diagnosed with malaria.

the next day, the doctor said the malaria was gone, its negative for that day's result. and hopefully tomorrow (Wednesday), the med team will remove the tube that enters to mom's lungs through the mouth to supply oxygen, if mom is fit enough to breath on her own (without intubate). the third day, the sleeping pills wears off, mom can open her eyes and she was able to move her lips but no voice. she can move her arms her legs her body a bit. the nurse said mom is so strong that she almost pulled the tube out of her mouth, so they have to tied mom's hand. mom can listen too. mum can nod can shook her head. its the only way to communicate with her. i was there in the morning and it was so sad seeing mom like. i told her to be strong and listen to the nurse to don't try to pull the tube out. and i said this to mom "the doctor will be here soon, they will check on you and will remove this tube and soon you can talk to us whatever you want to say after the tube is gone". she nodded. we only can read her lips, she'd been trying to tell us something, she insisted to talk. but we only can read her lips. as my sister's turn to come visit her, sis read this from mom's lip "saya lapar, saya haus". that was so sad.

and the doctor said she was not ready to breath on her own, we'll try on Friday. by the time, she was diagnosed with ARDS and pneumonia. and they'd tried on Friday. she still not ready and will try again on Monday.

on Monday, when they tried to remove the tube, there are so many complications happened such as edema so they have to make a hole to let out the fluid or air or something. the next day, her kidneys not working very well so they have to run dialysis on her for four days straight as apparently, the first second third dialysis doesn't make any result.

on her last day, the doctor gathered us all around and announced that now her heart has affected. three of her vital organs were severely affected. at 9.40 pm she was pronounced dead after forty minutes the med team trying to save her.

im glad to be with her til her last breath. we were there near her. we can listen to her last breath. she went quietly and peacefully. her face was so white and bright. so peaceful. it was like, death is so easy for her.

it was the pneumonia made it all worst. but human cannot questioned God's fate. all living things will die anyway. but mom gone too early. astaghfirullah al azim.

Al-Fatihah

currently in a mood of listening to reggae music

guess im still not over this. i was recently been away for 11 days to a slightly remote area in Simunjan. i was living in an Iban village called Kg Kedumpai. it was a field course for our second semester (wow second semester already *gasping), also a joint field course with Copenhagen Univ, i think i had mentioned this in my previous post. so, there are 5 selected villages; Kedumpai Tekalong Semalatong Kesindu and Empili. so my group was assigned to go to Kedumpai. each group is a group of 9-10 people, 4 of Unimas students (excluding 2 interpreters) and 6 of KU students. i had a great time there. the village folks were very nice very welcoming and excited that we come to their village. the population is small, but even so, there are 4 headmen in that kampung. having more than 1 tuai rumah is a unique case, so it has become one of our interest in our study, along with our main interest which is to identify the livelihood strategies of the people in Kg Kedumpai.

we were staying in one of the headman's house. he is living in the house with his wife. their children are all working in the city. one of their in-laws is a Sabahan and a Dusun from Kota Belud, and some of the people there also married to a Sabahan (and Dusun), so the tuai rumah and his wife often introduced me to the villagers as 'Si Sabah' rather than 'Si Melayu' (which i am not, but people in Sarawak usually called any muslim as Melayu). one time during the minister's visit, he introduced me and saying like 'orang kitai bak menua lain' something like that la (meaning: orang kita juga ini tp dari tempat lain). on our first day, we were welcomed with 'ngajat' and 'joget'. it is a tradition of Iban people. afterwards, we had our lunch. since i was the only muslim in there (thats what i thought), i had an issue whether to eat or not (but it would be impolite to not eat what they had served), then suddenly a group of aunty2 and kakak2 came to me and said 'makai2, anang takut nadai jani ditu'. i love the people in there, they respect me even i was the only muslim (thats what i thought). one day, our cook wants to cook ayam kampung masak kacangma, so i thought i cant eat it because of course ayam kampung itu tidak di sembelih cara Islam. then suddenly our guide came to me and said 'jangan ragu2 makan ayam ini, saya muslim, saya kahwin dengan melayu tapi isteri saya sudah meninggal dan saya balik ke kampung ini sebab mau menjaga tanah pusaka kami' soo, i was not the only muslim there.

on the evening we had our informal transect walk around the living area. later that day, we had our discussion to plan what to do on the next day, task delegation and recap from what we have learn. i can say that i was a lil bit "cultural shocked" with how the orang putih conduct their work. they are so serious and overall we had such long hours spent just on the discussion. making decision is.. i say.. it is hard for them, its complicated. it is so different from how we usually make our decisions. it is almost impossible to reach a consensus. one time, two of our teammates were almost fight with each other because of the opposite opinions. but, overall, i am so glad with my teammates at least we were having less of drama like some groups.

we included both social and natural science methods to conduct this study, but we had exclude the questionnaire approach for this study. tbh i still a bit blur with what the hell actually we were doing. haha. most of the time, my job is a note-taker since they said i was good at it because i can listen to iban language and i can directly jot the info without waiting for the translator to translate from iban to english. almost everyday we went into the forest/crop fields *which i like*, even it was tiring. on our last night there, we had a little farewell party, invited the folks to come over, they had some drinks, the iban introduced their liquor to the orang putih and then the orang putih also have brought theirs, we play some games, we dance, and had a little feast. it was fun :')

even though during the trip i said i cannot wait to go home, but on our last day before we leave the kampung, i was reluctant to accept the fact that we're done, especially when seeing the aunty2 menangis when we were saying goodbye to them. 'datai baru' they said T.T

oh..i miss the moments already