do people still blogging nowadays?

Selamat Hari Raya

Just to update.

The problem with me is too difficult in making decisions. Usually, I just ask my mother but now I gotta make my own decisions. Damn adulthood. I have been living in dilemmas all my life but it was easier making decisions with her. Her NOs were my YESes, and vice versa. She said No when I wanted to take driving classes, No when I got the offer to matriculation, No to UNIMAS and No to further my master study and again back to UNIMAS. But look at that, I did it anyway and yet she was my greatest supporter of all! 

So, maybe I was fond to healthy lifestyle or fitness but those days are over. Baby I am back as couch potato. I have put on some weight (which worries me). But not everyone born a runner or a fitness freak or whatever them fitness people called themselves. I know now that I love forest, I love trekking, I love hiking. Maybe I am not as fit as I was in 2013/2014 but still, I enjoy trekking than running on the track or treadmill. But I hate cave though. Claustrophobic?  You can bet (is there any words to describe someone who didn't like going in the cave?). So, this year I am going to climb Mt. Kinabalu in August (I know why it takes too long for me to go there when I live near the mountain). I haven't prepared anything yet, be it physically or... Ohya, at least I have reached Langanan Waterfall, Poring, Ranau, Sabah and climbed Mt. Santubong, Kuching, Sarawak. More of it in another post (hopefully).

if only pneumonia never existed in this world.

i would still have my mommy. i lost my mother to pneumonia. it has been one month an two days since mom's last day. I still cry. i cry every day. one moment i was so over with mom's departure and one moment i cry just like the day, the last day she's with us. it was an unexpected event that she meet with The Creator this early. she was healthy, i mean she have no serious disease like tumor, cancer, etc.

three weeks before she was gone, i called her every day on the phone. i still remember her voice was cheerful. and asked about her and father's well-being and she said they were fine. the last call i made was in Friday, she didn't sound very well, and i asked her if she was okay, she said she has been sick, because of the weather. it was rainy season.

i haven't called her on Saturday and Sunday. on Monday early morning, my brother called me and told me mom has been admitted to the emergency since Saturday. and today (Monday), she was having complication and will be sent to Keningau Hosp. and that they (siblings) will buy a plane ticket for me. so i fly back to Sabah, and i already received a lot of messages from my dear friends how sorry they were to hear about my mom's condition. i arrived at the hospital ICU in the evening. all of my family members were already there, all were crying, and praying, and reciting Surah Yassin. mom was diagnosed with malaria.

the next day, the doctor said the malaria was gone, its negative for that day's result. and hopefully tomorrow (Wednesday), the med team will remove the tube that enters to mom's lungs through the mouth to supply oxygen, if mom is fit enough to breath on her own (without intubate). the third day, the sleeping pills wears off, mom can open her eyes and she was able to move her lips but no voice. she can move her arms her legs her body a bit. the nurse said mom is so strong that she almost pulled the tube out of her mouth, so they have to tied mom's hand. mom can listen too. mum can nod can shook her head. its the only way to communicate with her. i was there in the morning and it was so sad seeing mom like. i told her to be strong and listen to the nurse to don't try to pull the tube out. and i said this to mom "the doctor will be here soon, they will check on you and will remove this tube and soon you can talk to us whatever you want to say after the tube is gone". she nodded. we only can read her lips, she'd been trying to tell us something, she insisted to talk. but we only can read her lips. as my sister's turn to come visit her, sis read this from mom's lip "saya lapar, saya haus". that was so sad.

and the doctor said she was not ready to breath on her own, we'll try on Friday. by the time, she was diagnosed with ARDS and pneumonia. and they'd tried on Friday. she still not ready and will try again on Monday.

on Monday, when they tried to remove the tube, there are so many complications happened such as edema so they have to make a hole to let out the fluid or air or something. the next day, her kidneys not working very well so they have to run dialysis on her for four days straight as apparently, the first second third dialysis doesn't make any result.

on her last day, the doctor gathered us all around and announced that now her heart has affected. three of her vital organs were severely affected. at 9.40 pm she was pronounced dead after forty minutes the med team trying to save her.

im glad to be with her til her last breath. we were there near her. we can listen to her last breath. she went quietly and peacefully. her face was so white and bright. so peaceful. it was like, death is so easy for her.

it was the pneumonia made it all worst. but human cannot questioned God's fate. all living things will die anyway. but mom gone too early. astaghfirullah al azim.

Al-Fatihah

currently in a mood of listening to reggae music

guess im still not over this. i was recently been away for 11 days to a slightly remote area in Simunjan. i was living in an Iban village called Kg Kedumpai. it was a field course for our second semester (wow second semester already *gasping), also a joint field course with Copenhagen Univ, i think i had mentioned this in my previous post. so, there are 5 selected villages; Kedumpai Tekalong Semalatong Kesindu and Empili. so my group was assigned to go to Kedumpai. each group is a group of 9-10 people, 4 of Unimas students (excluding 2 interpreters) and 6 of KU students. i had a great time there. the village folks were very nice very welcoming and excited that we come to their village. the population is small, but even so, there are 4 headmen in that kampung. having more than 1 tuai rumah is a unique case, so it has become one of our interest in our study, along with our main interest which is to identify the livelihood strategies of the people in Kg Kedumpai.

we were staying in one of the headman's house. he is living in the house with his wife. their children are all working in the city. one of their in-laws is a Sabahan and a Dusun from Kota Belud, and some of the people there also married to a Sabahan (and Dusun), so the tuai rumah and his wife often introduced me to the villagers as 'Si Sabah' rather than 'Si Melayu' (which i am not, but people in Sarawak usually called any muslim as Melayu). one time during the minister's visit, he introduced me and saying like 'orang kitai bak menua lain' something like that la (meaning: orang kita juga ini tp dari tempat lain). on our first day, we were welcomed with 'ngajat' and 'joget'. it is a tradition of Iban people. afterwards, we had our lunch. since i was the only muslim in there (thats what i thought), i had an issue whether to eat or not (but it would be impolite to not eat what they had served), then suddenly a group of aunty2 and kakak2 came to me and said 'makai2, anang takut nadai jani ditu'. i love the people in there, they respect me even i was the only muslim (thats what i thought). one day, our cook wants to cook ayam kampung masak kacangma, so i thought i cant eat it because of course ayam kampung itu tidak di sembelih cara Islam. then suddenly our guide came to me and said 'jangan ragu2 makan ayam ini, saya muslim, saya kahwin dengan melayu tapi isteri saya sudah meninggal dan saya balik ke kampung ini sebab mau menjaga tanah pusaka kami' soo, i was not the only muslim there.

on the evening we had our informal transect walk around the living area. later that day, we had our discussion to plan what to do on the next day, task delegation and recap from what we have learn. i can say that i was a lil bit "cultural shocked" with how the orang putih conduct their work. they are so serious and overall we had such long hours spent just on the discussion. making decision is.. i say.. it is hard for them, its complicated. it is so different from how we usually make our decisions. it is almost impossible to reach a consensus. one time, two of our teammates were almost fight with each other because of the opposite opinions. but, overall, i am so glad with my teammates at least we were having less of drama like some groups.

we included both social and natural science methods to conduct this study, but we had exclude the questionnaire approach for this study. tbh i still a bit blur with what the hell actually we were doing. haha. most of the time, my job is a note-taker since they said i was good at it because i can listen to iban language and i can directly jot the info without waiting for the translator to translate from iban to english. almost everyday we went into the forest/crop fields *which i like*, even it was tiring. on our last night there, we had a little farewell party, invited the folks to come over, they had some drinks, the iban introduced their liquor to the orang putih and then the orang putih also have brought theirs, we play some games, we dance, and had a little feast. it was fun :')

even though during the trip i said i cannot wait to go home, but on our last day before we leave the kampung, i was reluctant to accept the fact that we're done, especially when seeing the aunty2 menangis when we were saying goodbye to them. 'datai baru' they said T.T

oh..i miss the moments already

im not in a good shape right now. current weight is 52kg but i dont feel good because not doing workout for days. i dont feel fit, and not feeling fit is baaad. i currently am enjoying my semester break. really? am i really enjoying? definitely absolutely no. why? because one day i received an email from my lecturer telling that on 15th (yest) there would have a meeting regarding to the field course and on 16th (today) should be the proposal presentation. whattt? hey we dont expect any meeting/class on semester break, come on! lucky for me i was not the only person who is absent haha. next week i will be at kuching and will start to get busy to get ready for the field course at simunjan, with the danish student counterparts. there are 6 of them so we will be a group of 10. i hope they are nice.

we had 3 days stayed out field trip last weekend. we stayed at unimas training center hostel located at Bau. we were assigned into groups. the first day of the trip which was on friday, we had classes the whole day, from 9am-9pm, given 1 hour for lunch and 1 hour for dinner. the second day, we left the hostel to somewhere near serikin particularly prof's kebun, to do the practicals on soil sampling, water quality and forest inventory. these three activities we have to mastered it so that we will be able to do it our own later on for our next 10 days field trip on march. my groups managed to finished the practicals early, so we were assigned to do the veggies chopping and preparing for the BBQ night. i made "lada", or people in here called it sambal cili. i never tested it because i doubt prof's barang dapur to be used for non-halal foods, i even dont eat from the bbq except i ate banyak rambutan that night. a senior of cohort 11 came that night, he is also prof's good friend, he said "i dont know who make this chilli but she really knows how to make it" and the class pointed their finger at me. i considered it as a compliment *kembang hidung* :)) the last day we went to kampung gumbang, i dont know how far the kampung from our hostel but i assumed it is very far from town, it is located next to kalimantan only separated by mountains. the uncle from the kampung brought us to the boundary sign within the forested mountain. you know i love forest, i love trekking. i followed the uncle from behind and the next thing we know we were always a bit far ahead from the rest of the class. my classmates, even the uncle keep asking me why am i so fast, how did i managed to walk in the forest with mud, slippery rocks without falling and all. and them whom behind me and the uncle always keep telling us to slow down. the uncle said to me,teasing, "pandai kamu jalan dalam hutan, boleh kawin orang gumbang ni". and the uncle also told mr kelvin our lecturer, "dia ni jalan dalam hutan sangat kreatif, memang orang gunung" -.- hahahha

this saturday is our last paper for this semester and then we will have semester break. i cannot believe first semester is coming to an end already :') and even we have 3 weeks break, i thought i can enjoy the break without thinking or doing anything academically, when actually i must be prepared for the next field trip which will be held a week after the sem 2 begin. and tidak boleh main2 because this field trip, actually it is called field course, we will going for it with the danish students, if you dont want to look stupid in front of the danish, better be ready with knowledge and information, not only with the tools and equipment.

Salam Maulidur Rasul. hi.

as i grew older i have learned many things. the problem is i do not know how to use the information (like statistics that we've learned in class previously). life is never fair. i never felt being treated fairly even it is just a small matter. in order to be treated fairly, you need to earn it. and some people need to do absolutely nothing but yet the world, life is fair to them. you see what i am trying to imply?

but, dont lose faith yet. Allah Maha Adil. He is the reason im still alive. He knew what i really want and what i dont know what i really want. dalam berdoa, meminta dariNya banyak2, saya jadi malu ketika berdoa sebab kebaikan yg telah saya lakukan terlalu sedikit untuk meminta lebih daripadaNya, namun Dia lebih suka akan hambaNya yg sentiasa berdoa T_T

hi happy 2014

actually it was a tradition to post a new year entry filled with last year summaries and new year resolutions but i was too lazy to update my blog.

so, to summarized 2013, it was a good year. i had achieved some of my resolutions i made earlier in 2013 i.e be a 50 kilos baby, i once had a job for 5 months, i graduated with not so good pointer but at least qualified me to further my study (now) but in different field from my degree background. so far those are what i achieved. i never learn how to make doughnuts, i still had no chance to climb mt kinabalu, im still socially awkward in public, i dont used my 5 months salaries for braces, annnnnd still have no boyfriend.

so whats my new year resolutions? idk. havent thought of any to add on the list. just to complete my obsession to be fitter. what about love? i am 24yo this year and always single, and i dont want to say something like 'i am ready for love'. nooo thats bullshit in my dictionary. my real focus this year is to respect my body more and focus on my study and to grad next year, on february with a good grades. god willing.

im in the third phase on 90days challenge currently, today is day 4. will talk about this challenge later on. kalau rajin lah.

supposedly i should be revising for this saturday final exam for jsm6022 but i am on blog sphere instead.

and supposedly i wanna update about my belated story of the first 90 days challenge now in this entry but suddenly my scumbag brain refuse to think much for this casual essay.

i am changing, i am glad some of my friends seek advises from me. i would gladly to share some and if only we are living near now, i would like to go running with them and do some workout together. because it is important to be surrounded with positive ready to be healthy people. i have my friends here my beloved uribe gang, but they are not ready yet to take a step and i cant make them to, because if i insist i will be the most annoying gal. i do hoping they will come to me and say 'i am ready', and please be sooner!

well in case if any of you readers found my blog and want to loss some weight, take my advice because this is how i started/how i did it.

to take any supplement is an option, you still can lose weight without it, in case if you're broke like me.
find loads of motivations, set a short-term target, like 90 days challenge.
willing and so ready to seriously change.
get yourself note books, one for food log and one for jotting your journey and to write motivations and tips you read somewhere.
you got to know your initial weight and measure you waistline, love-handle, thighs, arms. (trust me it is important). and do the measurement every 15 days.
pick one or two of your family member or close friend and tell them your current weight and measures. so you will feel ashamed and the intention to lose weight is even fiery. because one is now knowing your weight and you sure you dont wanna stay on that weight ever again, or else you will feel ashamed and disgrace.
challenge yourself and tell the selected person that you will win the challenge.
you must have that bitchy little voice inside of you that keep on yelling you to keep strong. just in time you are about to give in, that bitchy voice will yell, insult and intimidate you so that you will keep on going.
watch your portion.
eat healthy food, those real foods. real foods such as vegetables and fruits, chicken and fish. eg. hotdog is no real food.
do research about foods you always take and what should you replace it with.
limit sugar intake.
do exercise at least 30 minutes a day and 3 times a week. best exercise is zumba, its fun to do and burn 500-900 calories an hour. go for a jog, at least 15-20 minutes. seriously stress-relief exercise. love the burns.
drink a lot of water. my first 90 days, i must drink 4L or more a day.
sleep well.

this is how i did it. i know these tips you can read it any where because it is true. i approved all the tips are working. you just have to find the you that have the will to make it happen. and put the manja you aside.

12/4/13
initial weight = 65 kilos
initial waistline = 35 inches
initial love-handle line = 39 inches
thighs and arms = 24 inches , 13.5 inches

14/11/13
current weight = last time i weighed, 53 kilos
waistline = 28 inches
love-handle line = 32 inches
thighs and arms = 20.675 inches , 10.875 inches

the process is slow but expecting dramatic changes or results will kill you and your dream. low your expectation. strive for progress.

#forselfreminder

yesterday is my second 90 days challenge. my target was to weigh 49kg but i guess i failed this one but i havent weigh myself yet since i was too ashamed to ask my housemate's digital scale. i have my own scale but i dont trust mine, because it is not a digital scale. besides i havent had my dump yet. but i can feel it i didnt drop much of weight for the second 90 days challenge. maybe im still around 52-55kg. tomorrow i'll check.

hi. i am officially a unimas alumni :)

i am so grateful my life is getting better especially this year. my last post i stated i have a feeling this year is gonna be a good year, indeed it is. we have few weeks more til new year and i'll list up what's new and good had happened to me this year. alhamdulillah.

seandainya ia mengambil masa dua tahun untuk nampak result, saya akan usahakan dua tahun itu.

have you ever had a moment when your head is full of thoughts or you want to share something and you only reach satisfactory by posting it online, then you can happily, peacefully have a good night sleep? i do. but slow internet is a bitch.

summary:

i cant sleep n now it's morning already im sleepy but i cant sleep

today is the last day of 2012. tomorrow we'll be in 2013. the next day after tomorrow, my final exam will be started. i have 3 papers more to sit in order to complete my degree level. usually, the first week of the examination is the languages exam. i took 2 languages subjects this semester, i.e, english in media and french language level 2. EIM is a generic course while french 2 is an elective course. the exam for those courses will be held on 2nd n 3rd jan respectively. and then i have 1 more paper to sit, which is biochemistry. it is a core subject. it is an obligatory course for year 1 students, i had taken it and got bad grade. therefore, i have to repeat the paper in order to get my bachelor. it is optional whether to repeat papers, but they will not give you your degree. eh, wait, i forgot what's that saying if dont do this, they will not include "in honour" to your bachelor. okeh moving on.

let's talk about 2012; how's your life so far? have anything accomplished or achieved? mine, none. but i can say 2012 is a good year for me. it was a plain year but it's alright. i will be 23 soon. other friends were far too advanced than me, already. some of them are married and have kids, some already have a permanent job, some of them found the love of their life, some finally found their interests, some still studying and soon will have a bright future ahead. i have found/got nothing of those. none.  even i have been living with this body and this soul but i am still unable to understand myself, still searching and still confused. sometimes, i hope some organisation or whatever they are, abduct me, bring me far away and punish me to master some particular skills or knowledge and released me to the real world and become a successful person. i know, it is bullshit and impossible. those skills i'd like to learn are like sewing and its derivatives, cook and bake and its derivatives, or mastering CSS, etcetera.

a night ago, i went out with a friend. he was my high school senior and he is also befriended to my brothers (my bros's friends are my friends). all we talk about , other than teasing each other, is about how those people around us were already settled down. and how pathetic our lives are. however, what we can conclude from our conversation is that "if something meant to be in our lives, it will be".

so let's talk about 2013. what are your resolutions? what are your aims, your wishes? i have the same aim over the years, to get me skinned! but that never happened. even i said im serious but the seriousness just be around for like 1 month or 2. this beloved, 20 years old fat of mine is so loyal to me. i think, a good way to achieved a desirable weight is by telling people your plan, ask for help and support. besides, if people knows your plan, it'll give you an incentive to get skinny.

so here is my list, what to be done, in 2013.

1. be a 50+ kilos baby
2. get good grades for this final semester
3. have a job
4. improve my social interaction with other people
5. save money for the trips to johor-penang-kl
6. learn to sew (considering giatmara)
7. will not get married, save it for other year.

semalam sy dan mel bercerita panjang mengingat balik cerita waktu budak2 dulu, yg mana pada masa itu adalah zaman friendster. sy yakin semua ada friendster. itulah laman sosial yg terpemes di kalangan remaja dulu2. selain daripada myspace lah.